Amazingly Animal Story - 34
I caught Moose using his brain this morning, and it was deeply disturbing.
This morning, while I was still in bed, Squirrel came trotting into my room proudly holding a used paper plate that was very obviously pulled straight from the trash.
She normally can’t even reach the trash can.
So, immediately suspicious.
I scolded her, confiscated the plate, and flopped back down.
One minute later…
She struts back in with time with an empty chip bag… like some dumbass raccoon toddler bringing me her latest find, proud as hell.
(Yes, she’s an idiot. Yes, it is completely on brand for her to bring the contraband directly to me like it’s show & tell.)
At this point, I knew this couldn’t have been a solo operation.
So I creep into the hallway, stay silent, and begin to observe.
And that’s when it alllll made sense.
Moose was standing at the trash can.
Moving slow & calculated… Looking around like he might actual possess the brain power of his peers for once in his life (one can only hope of such a miracle to occur).
And then - dead serious - he pulls something out and hands it to Squirrel like he’s some sort of ghetto Robin Hood. She happily trots off with her prize like it was the best thing she’s ever been gifted.
And Moose?
He just stands there next to the can like “Who, me? I was simply admiring the structural integrity of this lid 
.”
.”Now listen… Moose is not known for being intelligent. He has growled at his own tail & regularly forgets how stairs work.
But apparently, when crime is involved?
A long dormant neuron in his brain lights up & decides it’ll work for the specific purpose of making my life as hard as possible.
And the SECOND anything productive needs to be done?
Shut down.
System failure.
Dumbassery recommences.
I don’t know what’s worse: that he’s dumb, or that he’s only smart when it directly inconveniences me.
Either way, these two will both be in the trashcan soon if they don’t cut this shit out
