Amazingly Animal Story - 45

Today I hit a low of lows.

And it’s no surprise that it’s at the fault of Moose.

I just wanted to enjoy the last day of peace and quiet before my kids are home for spring break for the next ten days. That’s all I asked for. I don’t feel like that’s too much, right?

Well, Mr. Moose said, “fuuuuuck that noise.”

About midday today, I got hit with some bad stomach pains. I ate some leftover chicken that had been in our fridge a questionable number of days, which was likely the culprit. I rushed to the bathroom and began suffering my consequences… as I should.

Per usual, the dogs followed me. I don’t even fight it at this point. The main bathroom door doesn’t latch all the way, so there’s not much I can do to stop it even if I wanted to.

Toward the end, I reached to set my phone on the counter & accidentally knocked the toilet paper off the holder and onto the floor. Not a huge deal since it was still within arm’s reach.

Until something nefarious inside Moose’s mind woke up from a deep slumber & decided it was the perfect time to ruin my entire life. The only part of his brain that works, apparently. He doesn’t remember he has a tail most days, but somehow he’s capable of committing the most atrocious crimes against me at the most inconvenient times.

He stands up & walks over, and I’m thinking he just wants some pets. But before I can react, he picks up the roll of toilet paper & casually walks out of the bathroom with it. Despite my ample attempts at telling him to drop it… he never quite mastered that one. Or any command, really.

Annoying, sure. But I figured I’d deal with it when I was done.

Except when I reached to grab another roll… there was none.

He had taken the last one.

I sat there for a while, contemplating stranding my kids at school & just waiting it out until my husband got home.

After a bit longer, I contemplated using a towel from the dirty hamper & throwing it away. Yeah… I’m not proud of that one.

And after even longer, it occurred to me that no one could save me but myself. I had no choice but to walk across the entire house to our other bathroom & grab toilet paper.

With my pants & underwear around my ankles.

I got the courage up & finally decided to go for it.

It started off promising.

As you may recall, a few weeks ago Moose demolished our living room blinds trying to get to a delivery driver. I haven’t replaced them yet because I know it’ll just happen again, so our window is basically wide open for the world to see. Usually it’s not a huge issue since we live pretty rurally & only have a couple neighbors nearby that we rarely even see.

But today made me wish we didn’t have windows at all. I’d gladly trade never seeing daylight again for what happened next.

I’m shuffling across the living room with my bare ass hanging out, cursing Moose the entire way. There’s a trail of shredded toilet paper across the floor.

Life is just great.

I’m trying to move as fast as I can, but the pants around my ankles really hindered my speed.

Right about then, I glance toward the window to make sure there aren’t any delivery drivers or Jehovah’s Witnesses showing up. And while there luckily weren’t… I instead made direct eye contact with my neighbor.

Now, I’m not sure why my body’s first instinct was to freeze completely & stop moving, but it was. Which gave him the opportunity to really soak in the gravity of the situation. And judging by his smile slowly turning into a look of horror… that’s exactly what happened.

Once he realized he was seeing something he should absolutely never see, he awkwardly held up a couple pieces of mail & yelled that he had accidentally received them & was bringing them over.

For reasons I nor any rational human being could ever explain, I remained in my exact position - with zero attempt to cover myself - and casually replied “Oh thank you! Just leave them on the porch please.” Like this was a totally normal occurrence.

He dropped them with impressive speed & practically ran away.

After standing there for a moment contemplating whether I now needed to make my neighbor disappear forever - for both of our benefit - I finally finished my journey to the other bathroom & got situated.

The most unsettling part of this whole thing?

Moose will usually bark at a leaf, a cloud, or a suspicious looking breeze…

But the one time a grown ass man walks right up to the house while I’m half naked in the living room, he decides to keep that information to himself.